It started with Dostana. And with Kambakkht Ishq, it has reached its peak. It's called Punjabi family porn, and it allows entire families to see vulgarity together and laugh. In the pursuit of that, we have Kareena Kapoor, playing a model training to be a surgeon (cue the eye rolling) and Akshay Kumar acting as a stuntman, or as Kareena calls him, a secondhand person living a secondhand life (yes, clench your teeth girls, he's a sexist pig). There is a ludicrous plot that involves Kareena leaving her watch inside Akshay's intestines (don't ask!) when she operates on him. The watch, you see, has the habit of breaking out into the wedding mantra every hour, and naturally Kareena needs to get it out. Hence an elaborate charade, where she pretends to love him, to get it back. What she doesn't know is that Akshay after calling her a litany of names-from frigid bitch to nosey cow-falls in love with her, but only after she wears a Valentino bikini and dives off a yacht with him.
But I am getting ahead of myself here. Kambakkht Ishq is meant to be in the rom com genre, where Katherine Heigl or Kate Hudson is usually playing the posh girl who will take a giant fall. So I suppose Kareena should regard it as a promotion that she is the star in a film where one of the industry's biggest actors is actually playing her sidekick. And how. He's a good Punjabi munda, so he thinks of his mother when he's in pain, touches Sylvester Stallone's feet when he receives an award from him, and doesn't sleep with the Bharatiya nari when she gets drunk (will Dilwale Dulhaniya Le Jayenge haunt every Punjabi-fed film till eternity?). He hates women (but loves the sex) and doesn't want his buddy to marry one, even though she's a lingerie model. Said lingerie model's best friend, Kareena, also hates the opposite sex because her father left her and her sister's divorced. Yes, welcome to the new dysfunctional Punjabi family where there's either a gay man in the closet or a divorce in the bedroom, or both.
We've got used to seeing potty jokes from Akshay by now. But this one falls to a new low, where he even manages to pass gas in Amrita Arora's face. He traumatizes Kareena, teases her, kisses her against her will, so of course we know she will eventually fall in love with him, even though Denise Richards is just dying to have golden babies with him. For some reason the CBFC did not find any of the rude comments offensive and have given it a U/A certificate-well done, this is exactly the sort of treatment of women we should be training our young men in.
The movie is goodlooking enough, as it should be given that most of the budget went into Kareena's wardrobe. There's even a portion shot in Venice just for insurance. But this is a highly unfunny, boorish and pig-like comedy, and I would not recommend it to anyone even on a Bollywood starvation diet.
What to watch out for:
1. Kareena's wonder lipgloss, which never wears off even Akshay kisses her thoroughly, which he does at least five times. Ok I admit I was counting.
2. Her clutches, which she clutches to her bosom. She has to, there's usually every little else covering it.
3. Akshay's Punjabi-fied English. Even when he's uttering cool stuff, as in why don't you meet me in the tub, I'll get us some champagne, it's a hoot.
What to ponder upon:
1. Which stuntman has such a life, I want to know. A sidekick who's always massaging his shoulders and drinking his discarded protein shakes, and a woman who is always fixing his feet.
2. How much money did they pay Denise Richards to kiss Akshay?
3. Why is Kareena not looking like a million bucks even though more than that has been spent on her costumes?
And most of all
4. Why was it made?
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